Reflections.

I feel like in the past couple of years, God has put me on a journey of self-humbling. When I was younger, I always had these dreams about being unattached to other people and travelling the whole world by myself. I was getting my PhD and things were going really bad in the program right before I found out I was pregnant. For months, I would pray to God, Please ya Allah reveal my purpose to me. Help me. Guide me. Show me what it is that I am supposed to do with my life. And then I found out I was pregnant. And here I birthed this amazing little girl who at 2.5 months tries to sit on her own, isn't beat to be laying down when she's awake and wants to stand up on her own two feet. Her energy reminds me of my own when I was young - head strong, stubborn, trying to do everything at once. She even tries to nurse while staring at something behind her. Through teaching her calm, I am learning it myself. Through raising her, I am raising myself, and learning for the first time in my life what a healthy relationship is between a mother and daughter.

Where Has Fresh Food Gone?

I wish it were easier to get back to eating fresh and raw veggies. I have been consuming Kashi cereal for some years, and just discovered that their products might actually not be what they say they are. The boxes that I consume are labelled with the Organic Promise. I am wondering if that makes any difference at all. I guess I'll go back to Cascadian Farm cereals. But it is really really hard to eat healthy green food. I live in Newark, NJ and I don't own a car (part of my efforts to pollute less). Yesterday, I walked to Pathmark, which is the closest local supermarket to me. The only organic options in the supermarket were prepackaged Earthbound spinach, arugula and mixed greens. I went through the entire supermarket looking for products that were organic and non-gmo. I came home with like 4 bags of groceries. There was almost NOTHING that was organic or non-gmo. There weren't any fruits or any produce in the whole supermarket labelled organic. This just further adds to the issue of food justice. In low income communities, there is minimal availability of organic options. When there are organic options, it's all pre-cut and pre-packaged. I really wish there were farms nearby where I could get the food off the ground, but the earth here is covered in concrete. What do we do as people trying to live a healthy life? Our government needs to intervene and not let these companies do whatever they want with our food.

Real Love

I'm sooooo in love with my daughter. Sometimes, I just stare at her and I can't believe she came out of my body. I find myself giving her like 100 kisses while she's sleeping next to me. I just want to hug her and be near her. I feel so blessed.

Rant on the ZERO weeks of Paid Maternity Leave we get in the U.S.

I am currently on disability due to post-partum difficulties. The government only gives you a maximum amount of income from Temporary Disability and once that amount is used up, you get no more income, which is what has just happened to me even though I am still disabled. As far as maternity leave, the U.S. pays maternity leave via temporary worker's disability at 2/3 of your income, which comes out of our taxes. Law provides up to 4 weeks prior to your due date and then 6 weeks for vaginal birth and 8 weeks for C-section. As a woman who delivered a baby just 2 months ago, 6 weeks is really not enough time to go back to work. The current set up does not really give a woman the opportunity to properly heal from child birth (especially if you tear or have epidural related difficulties or something else) or to adjust used to being a parent. The first month and a half, you barely get to even sleep. Never mind how hard it is to continue breast feeding, which has been proven to be the best nutrition for a baby, before having to return to work. Studies have shown that breast feeding is not only financially more viable for the mother, but it also provides a child with a healthier life in general. Most women do not get adequate time at work to pump breast milk, either, so many women wind up no longer breast feeding after returning to work. American Pediatrics recommends exclusive breastfeeding for the first 6 months of an infant's life for optimal health. After 6-8 weeks depending on the type of birth, mothers in the state of NJ are eligible for Family Leave Insurance to bond with a newborn or adopted child if their employer approves it with job safety. If their employer does not approve FLI, you risk the possibility of being fired if you choose to use FLI, which comes out of the mother's taxes. FMLA which allows up to 12 weeks with your new born child or a sick relative is unpaid. In today's economy most people cannot afford to risk their jobs by taking FLI or to make use of the FMLA. I believe that instead of bailing out Wall Street and spending countless dollars on wars, our government needs to do more to protect its own citizens, especially our children. How can we expect our society to improve if mother's are not supported in caring for their children? I find it appalling that mothers are expected to be comfortable with leaving their 6 week old in day care or with a babysitter (which are both incredibly expensive). We need to value the family a lot more, and we can guarantee to raise much more stable, capable, intelligent human beings by supporting their mothers in raising them.

Cuddling

I've always been hyper aware of my emotions and the lack of affection that dominated much of my childhood. I grew up feeling generally unloved by my mother with my own emotions for her dancing between love, hate, pity, confusion, and admiration. I want to make sure that my daughter always feels loved. In the past 8 weeks, she and I have responded quite well to each other's emotions. She's definitely my little girl when it comes to wanting hugs and kisses. Today, it was a rainy day, and she was demanding a lot of affection. I would sit her right next to me, and she would cry for me to hold her in my arms. I would hold her and she would instantly fall asleep. Then, I would put her down right next to me and she would cry again to be held. Finally, I gave up on trying to do other things. Instead, I just grabbed her in my arms, and laid down with her. Together, we slept for about 3 hours, just cuddling.

She smiles when I gaze into her eyes. She smiles when I give her a kiss. She smiles when I hug her close. With every smile, we solidify our bond and connection. Some people believe that you should let your child cry and not to hold them too much because they get spoiled, but I feel like this method of parenting is actually creating people that grow up feeling uncomfortable with sharing their emotions, with cuddling, with needing affection. I would rather my daughter feel too loved than not loved at all, but I don't believe the former really exists. Shouldn't we be raising children that embody our most deepest capacity for love? I want to raise a child that is in touch with her emotions and unafraid to express them. I want to raise a child that never wonders if her mother loves her. So with every minute we cuddle, I rejoice in the possibility that my daughter will always be full of love.

Role Modeling

If you ever start becoming someone you do not like, rethink things, recenter, and fix it. Be kind and loving for the sake of your own soul and peace of mind. We all make mistakes and negativity sometimes becomes too easy to cultivate, especially when it's so familiar to you. Today, I make a promise to myself to be a better woman, friend, lover, and human being. Who I am and who I become set the foundation for the type of woman my daughter will be.

On Becoming a Mother

My baby girl is 8 weeks old this upcoming Sunday. The grand haze of the first few weeks is beginning to clear, and the reality of motherhood is setting in. So many instincts of self-sacrifice take over but so does the urgency of self-preservation. I have come to learn in these past few weeks that it is assumed that a mother will sacrifice anything and everything of herself for the sake of her child, but why is this deemed the norm? I have been struggling with the concept and the reality that her needs will always go before my own.

These days even the smallest task directed towards myself is a grand accomplishment - brushing my teeth, relieving my bodily needs, showering, making lunch, and just relaxing. Even now as I write this, she begins to awaken needing my attention. Then, there's the matter of maintaining a household in some order. I tip my imaginary hat off to all mothers, especially to those with no support system. As women, it is taken for granted that we are naturally more connected to the child, and if we breastfeed it seems like we've basically stated "No no please don't help me. I will wake up 12 times in the middle of the night and need absolutely no assistance." A mother's job is really without end, 24/7 and totally encompassing every fiber of your being. It is hard, and I struggle daily to maintain some type of inner balance. But, I really find myself feeling so resentful at times, not towards my daughter, but towards her father, who seems disengaged from this entire process.

Our rocky relationship has just gotten rockier with the adjustment to parenthood. He struggles to maintain his independence and his hobbies while leaving the child work to me responding that since he works, the least I could do is try to maintain the house. I retort often that I barely even find the time to shower. How can I really care whether the house is clean or not when I am having difficulty cleaning my own body? Today, he told me that he didn't get enough time to himself in spite of maintaining his recreational activities and hobbies. And yet - many people see nothing wrong with this. I know he doesn't nor does his mother. Because he provides financially, it seems that I am not supposed to ask anything more of him than to keep a roof over our heads. Am I wrong to feel angry and even resentful?

Why does it seem like being a good father just means not leaving while the race to be a good mother is a battle that sees no end?

Any time we, as mothers, feel the need to care for ourselves for a moment feelings of guilt ensue and over-ride our rational. I'm still trying to manage all of these things. I am a novice mommy. My daughter's presence brings great joy and challenges to my existence, and of course, now she needs me again. So, good night mommies, and let us discuss - how do we manage caring for our babies, ourselves, and maybe even our partners without being completely drained, overworked, and exhausted?

a stanza for my daughter

the birth of artemis marks the death of sorrow/ blessed child born to new beginnings/ antidote you are to poisoned hearts/ breathe/give hope to i - lucky to be your mother 42812-457 pm