Cuddling

I've always been hyper aware of my emotions and the lack of affection that dominated much of my childhood. I grew up feeling generally unloved by my mother with my own emotions for her dancing between love, hate, pity, confusion, and admiration. I want to make sure that my daughter always feels loved. In the past 8 weeks, she and I have responded quite well to each other's emotions. She's definitely my little girl when it comes to wanting hugs and kisses. Today, it was a rainy day, and she was demanding a lot of affection. I would sit her right next to me, and she would cry for me to hold her in my arms. I would hold her and she would instantly fall asleep. Then, I would put her down right next to me and she would cry again to be held. Finally, I gave up on trying to do other things. Instead, I just grabbed her in my arms, and laid down with her. Together, we slept for about 3 hours, just cuddling.

She smiles when I gaze into her eyes. She smiles when I give her a kiss. She smiles when I hug her close. With every smile, we solidify our bond and connection. Some people believe that you should let your child cry and not to hold them too much because they get spoiled, but I feel like this method of parenting is actually creating people that grow up feeling uncomfortable with sharing their emotions, with cuddling, with needing affection. I would rather my daughter feel too loved than not loved at all, but I don't believe the former really exists. Shouldn't we be raising children that embody our most deepest capacity for love? I want to raise a child that is in touch with her emotions and unafraid to express them. I want to raise a child that never wonders if her mother loves her. So with every minute we cuddle, I rejoice in the possibility that my daughter will always be full of love.

Role Modeling

If you ever start becoming someone you do not like, rethink things, recenter, and fix it. Be kind and loving for the sake of your own soul and peace of mind. We all make mistakes and negativity sometimes becomes too easy to cultivate, especially when it's so familiar to you. Today, I make a promise to myself to be a better woman, friend, lover, and human being. Who I am and who I become set the foundation for the type of woman my daughter will be.

On Becoming a Mother

My baby girl is 8 weeks old this upcoming Sunday. The grand haze of the first few weeks is beginning to clear, and the reality of motherhood is setting in. So many instincts of self-sacrifice take over but so does the urgency of self-preservation. I have come to learn in these past few weeks that it is assumed that a mother will sacrifice anything and everything of herself for the sake of her child, but why is this deemed the norm? I have been struggling with the concept and the reality that her needs will always go before my own.

These days even the smallest task directed towards myself is a grand accomplishment - brushing my teeth, relieving my bodily needs, showering, making lunch, and just relaxing. Even now as I write this, she begins to awaken needing my attention. Then, there's the matter of maintaining a household in some order. I tip my imaginary hat off to all mothers, especially to those with no support system. As women, it is taken for granted that we are naturally more connected to the child, and if we breastfeed it seems like we've basically stated "No no please don't help me. I will wake up 12 times in the middle of the night and need absolutely no assistance." A mother's job is really without end, 24/7 and totally encompassing every fiber of your being. It is hard, and I struggle daily to maintain some type of inner balance. But, I really find myself feeling so resentful at times, not towards my daughter, but towards her father, who seems disengaged from this entire process.

Our rocky relationship has just gotten rockier with the adjustment to parenthood. He struggles to maintain his independence and his hobbies while leaving the child work to me responding that since he works, the least I could do is try to maintain the house. I retort often that I barely even find the time to shower. How can I really care whether the house is clean or not when I am having difficulty cleaning my own body? Today, he told me that he didn't get enough time to himself in spite of maintaining his recreational activities and hobbies. And yet - many people see nothing wrong with this. I know he doesn't nor does his mother. Because he provides financially, it seems that I am not supposed to ask anything more of him than to keep a roof over our heads. Am I wrong to feel angry and even resentful?

Why does it seem like being a good father just means not leaving while the race to be a good mother is a battle that sees no end?

Any time we, as mothers, feel the need to care for ourselves for a moment feelings of guilt ensue and over-ride our rational. I'm still trying to manage all of these things. I am a novice mommy. My daughter's presence brings great joy and challenges to my existence, and of course, now she needs me again. So, good night mommies, and let us discuss - how do we manage caring for our babies, ourselves, and maybe even our partners without being completely drained, overworked, and exhausted?